how have i not commited suicide

seriously there is something wrong with me.  my emotional well-being is tied up in sporting event results.  its sad and pathetic and there is seemingly no cure.  everything i root for has done nothing my whole life.  the royals haven’t made the playoffs since i was 4 years old (which of course i would have no recollection of), the chiefs have done nothing but choke and haven’t made the superbowl ever in my life.  and of course my beloved alma mater has essentially accomplished nothing with 1 single ncaa tournament victory since i was 8 years old and the football team has a lot of feel good seasons but no national champ.  the worst part is every rival to the teams i like has accomplished so much more.  like every team in the royals division has at least made the world series or the playoffs a number of times, every team in the chiefs division has been to or won the super bowl, and the spoiled chicken hawks have been to multiple ncaa tournament title games and even their football team won a bcs game last year.  cursed am i.  nothing can go right.  kansas will win it all monday.  its not fair.  i’m jealous and all i can do is whine and moan.  suck.

he Most Difficult Fan in the World to be:

Currently listening to: Sigur Ros-()

The KC Royals/KC Chiefs/Kansas State Wildcats fan.

Consider the past 20 years, which would be about the time i’ve followed all of these teams pretty closely and with a good amount of emotion. 

First the Royals…

well no playoffs the past 20 seasons, 1 winning season in the last 13, and set major league baseball all-time futility records with 4 100-loss seasons out of 5, including 3 in a row from 04-06.  Basically, I’ve never seen a “good” royals team…the only decent teams i’ve seen were in 1994 which of course ended in a strike just after the royals had won like 16 straight games and that improbable 2003 season where KC blew a 7 game division lead at the all star break and barely finished above .500.  Along the way the royals have set all kinds of “worst bullpen ever” and “worst team ERA ever” and “most blown saves” type marks and also managed to lose 19 games in a row back in 2005.  Brutal.  But at least I never really had my heart broken with the royals, its hard to when you expect so little and never play in any big games.  I will always be a diehard royals fan, but lately i find myself only making it to a few games each summer when i used to go to 10-15 games easily.  If nothing else, it makes for an entertaining listen to see how the royals can find new ways to lose.  There is some hope i guess with the dayton moore regime, but i’m not holding my breath.

The Chiefs…

Back in the 90s the Chiefs were consistently getting into the playoffs and one of the leagues better teams.  Unfortunately though they were coached by Marty Schottenheimer who ruled the regular season and always fell apart in the playoffs. In fact KC has not won a playoff game since 1993 when Joe Montana led the chiefs all the way to the afc championship game in buffalo which they of course lost.  I believe this “no playoff wins” streak is the longest in the nfl. 

3 times the chiefs have had 13-3 seasons with homefield throughout the playoffs but lost their first round home games(95, 97, 03).  The worst loss was the 95 game, the “Lin Elliot” game which KC lost 10-7 to the colts in a brutal cold game in which Elliot missed at least 3 chippy FG’s. 

Since 97 KC has only made the playoffs twice (03, 06) and this year they look to be one of the worst teams in the nfl with no real hope for the future.  I have long since given up my emotional tie to this team (after marty left i called it quits with my emotional investment) even though i still follow them.

Kansas State Wildcats

This takes everything to a whole new level.  The royals have actually won a world series (although i was 4 and have no recollection), and the chiefs a superbowl (1969) so there is at least some past history of success to admire and fall back on.  With KSU though, no dice.  Kansas State has never won a National Championship in anything involving athletics, mens or womens, ever.  http://www.ncaa.org/champadmin/champs_listing1.html

In fact, out of the 6 BCS football conferences (big 12, big 10, pac 10, acc, sec, big east), only KSU, Virginia Tech, Mississippi, Mississippi St., Pittsburg, and S. Florida have not won a title in anything.  So right out of the gate there is no history to fall back on.  But its so much worse I dont even know where to begin.   It will take another post, i’ll finish this later.

stuck

currently listening to: The Twilight Sad-14 Autumns and 15 Winters

k well i’m already annoyed with the capfed job.  most of it is ok, but occasionally i have to work in some locations that i dont like too much and it reminds me of why i left the banking world.  and makes me hope/wish the RR would call me back sooner than I would expect (still likely early next year).  also, amongst other things, it also makes me wish I was moving out too.  Everyday at home I feel like I should be out by now and uh its just less than ideal for all involved.

started a summer bowling league last sunday, things started well.  bowled a 155 avg for the 3 games which is about 10 less than i am hoping for but least it wasn’t a complete disaster like the last week or so had been on my own (barely breaking 150).  things are getting back on track (which for me is anything near 170).  This league allows for 15 free games a week outside of the league so I’ll have plenty of opportunities to improve for no extra cost.  haazah!

Bad Day

As someone who hates failure and doesn’t deal with it well, this wasn’t a good day.

In my train simulator training I ran through a Form B track bulletin which protects men and equipment on the track.   then I ran past a random red flag without stopping.  The tests were extra tricky but either way I didn’t pass it.  Its not a mandatory test for keeping my job or anything but its something I should be able to do.

That left me in a sour mood all day.

Tonight I couldn’t bowl well but one game out of 4.  Rotten.  Sick. 

Like I’ve posted before, this is why i’m not great at anything, because i get too pissed when I fail.

Its days like this I wish I had my own place, my place to be away from everyone.  soon enough.

I think this is also why I won’t get married.  I’m far more afraid of being with the wrong person than I am of being single.  Being single is a comfort zone.  Its easy, its simple, I don’t have to deal with any B.S. 

There’s enough to deal with in daily life, why compound it? 

Anyway i’m wandering.

Starting next monday I will be on my student conductor trips for 3 weeks.  I will be going from Kansas City to Des Moines…back and forth…and I should be doing most of the work myself, its supposed to be very hands-on unlike the  6 weeks of student yard work I did last month.

OK goodnight.

the 50% life

before i even get started, i implore you to not read this post.  its mostly for me to just type out some silly things.

I was thinking today about what am i really good at.  well, what i came up with was i’m really good at being average at everything.  I dont feel like i’m super great at something.  and when i find out i’m below average and there’s no hope of ever being good/great at something, i give it up.  Like for instance, golf.  or drumming. 

I hate to fail.  I play the percentages with everything.  I take the course where the chances i’ll succeed will outweigh the chance I won’t.

The reason i’m thinking about all this is i feel like everything i’m doing right now is in a downturn.  Its like I hit a peak sometime in late June and now its all coming back.  For instance, in the first half of this year I had a nice car that i thought would be with me for at least 5+ years, i was doing well at school, my bowling game was improving, I was playing poker well, the stock market was up, railroad school and a good job were ahead of me…it was all going good.  It was all above average.

Then BOOM.

In Mid-July it all started coming back to that mid point where things can only be average.  Car crash, stock market going down (when i’m starting to need money of course), bowling game is frustrating me, worst luck in poker, railroad school is over and i’m having to go through this cruel wait to hear about a job (spending $4444.00 on something that hasn’t come to fruition yet will do that).  and now i’m left trying to figure out what exactly is going well.  Not a whole lot.  But its all not awful either.  I’m still living rent free for instance.  I’m back to point A…life is just at a boring, frustrating, average point. 

Its time again for some above average things to happen.

Man I hope you didn’t read that.

I think for fun I should start posting percentages for success with whatever I post about (if applicable).

Like, say, the getting a railroad job thing…supposedly it was 90% chance someone who completes conductor training gets a railroad job (it said so on their program fact sheet).  So…haha…not surprising I took that “risk”…dont get me wrong though, I really wanted to work in railroading anyway.  I just wanted to increase my odds of doing that by taking the railroad training.  see how that works?

So thats today’s percentage- Chance I get a railroad job is 90%.

worn

since sometime mid last week i have been in pain. my muscles ache all the time now. i'm not really sure why. my best guess is cause of the type of work i've been doing helping my dad finish his basement. but man, this is annoying. even aspirin doesn't help. i'm feeling especially pained today cause i played golf with chris yesterday. i played ok, considering i haven't played since last september. chris beat me by 5. i hope to play more this summer and shoot mid 90s. course, that won't happen if i dont start feeling better.

hard labor? whoa.

So monday i started helping my dad finish his basement in his new house. I can't really recall when i last did real work like that. maybe when he finished the basement in his old house? I dunno I was like 13 or 14 then. Anyway I'm already in great pain from hammering and carrying boards and whatnot. And i'll be back at it tonight. It will probably take us all summer to finish but its worth it for me. My dad is going to help pay my tuition this fall at kstate. hooray!

grrr

i messed up my recording of the simpsons tonight. for those of you who dont know, i have every episode on tape (nearly 350 now) and i record them on their first fox broadcast. well, the clock on my vcr was apparently slow 4 minutes so i missed the opening title sequence. of course, i can't have that! so now i have to wait for the repeat. fortunately fox replays each new episode at least once in its original form. usually a month or two later. still annoying.